Memory

I don't know why, but I've been thinking about one particular incident when I took him to Chuck E. Cheese for his birthday.  Not a funny incident or anything, and I'm not trying to sell some drama; it was just a time.

He had his tickets and he was cashing out.  I was watching him when he dropped his head and said he was hoping he had enough tickets for Airheads.  The employee heard him, took his tickets and gave him an Airhead.  I thanked him and my son was happy.

I really really want him to stay that age, where the biggest thing he had to worry about was getting an Airhead.  I really do.

There was another time..this one pissed me off and reminded me of when I was a boy, made fun of by the others before I came into my own.

He told me he asked his cousin, who had recently started going to his school, why she ignored him and was mean to him.  She answered true and that's what makes it shitty.  She told him that she was like that because the other kids in the school didn't like him and they would ask her if she was friends with my son and things.  Petty, harsh things about my son. 

But then he broke my heart. 

I remember clearly, word for word, him saying, "I can't blame her.  I know if I was in that situation, I wouldn't want them making fun of me."

That still hurts, to this day.  What hurts worse is that I didn't have the words to give at the time. 

When I replay it in my mind, I'm wise and articulate.  "You don't have to put up with that, son," I'd say.  "You tell her that she's a shithead and forget her!  You tell her you don't want anything to do with her because you're amazing and you don't need her."

But no.  I didn't have this words and it wouldn't have mattered if I did.  He loves his cousin and he wouldn't say that to her. 

What happened instead is that I put my arm around him.  I doubt even think I said anything.  Just an arm.  I'd like to think that was enough at the time.  I'd like to think he understood everything I wanted to say just by force of will.  I'd like to think that.

I'd like to think that wasn't a time when I was bad at being a father, but I think I'd just be wrong about that.